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Wednesday, April 2, 2014

78 Thoughts Beyonce Has Every Day

“What should I bring to the Illuminati book club?”


1. Ah, another day in the life of Queen Bey.

2. I woke up like this.

3. I need to go to the bathroom.

4. Beyonce doesn't poop, she shits solid bricks of gold — 24 karats, motherfucker.

5. * flushes diamond-encrusted toilet *


7. Time for breakfast.


9. "With a little cheddar mixed in."

10. "And a glass of champagne to wash it down."

11. Haha, look at Jay, thinking he sits at the head of the table. MOVE YOUR ASS, JAY.

12. "Blue, you KNOW we do not eat until I sing the national anthem before our meal."


14. "OK, dig in."

15. Ugh, now I feel a little gassy.

16. * farts a perfect G note *

17. Mmmm, smells like lavender and fresh linen.


19. Where is my iPhone 8?

20. * checks anaconda skin purse *

21. Oh, here it is.

22. Twelve missed calls from Kim Kardashian?!

23. When is she going to take a hint? Blue is NEVER going on a playdate with North West.

24. I need to get one of the servants to walk the elephant.

25. Oh, and I better call Shakira and push back Blue's Spanish lesson for today.

26. "Jay, can you get Barack on the line? I need him to invade Italy, I'm really craving some ravioli for dinner."

27. "And while you're at it, tell him Michelle needs to return that dress she borrowed from me."

28. I wonder what I should bring to the Illuminati book club tonight? Maybe seven-layer dip?

29. Ugh, last time we had one Gwyneth brought the most disgusting vegan and gluten-free cupcakes.

30. I hate that GOOP shit.

31. My stomach had to consciously uncouple from one of those cupcakes after the party.

32. Now that I think about it, how many hours ahead is London? I need to give Liz a call.

33. Queen Elizabeth II, that is.

34. She never returned my pie dish from the last Illuminati meeting.

35. And bitch had the last slice of key lime pie.

36. I probably should book our anniversary vacation to Atlantis. Like, the forbidden lost city, not the Caribbean resort.

37. * iPhone 8 rings * Oh, Hillary Clinton's calling.

38. "Hillary, hi! Yeah, pick me up at 8. The private helicopter? Sounds good. Oh, and I'm glad you liked that 'Monica Lewinsky' line in 'Partition.' Catch you later!"

39. Ugh, I need to do my hair. These unicorn-tail extensions need to be replaced.

40. Time for my private tennis lesson!

41. * walks outside to backyard tennis court in mini black dress and six-inch stilettos. *

42. "Serena! I want to work on my backhand today."


44. I wonder what I want for lunch.

45. I know, I want McDonald's breakfast!

46. And I can get it past 10:30 because I'm FUCKING BEYONCÉ.

47. I feel like watching some TV.

48. I am DIGGING Season 5 of Game of Thrones — so glad HBO sent me an advance copy!

49. I can't believe all the Starks come back as zombies and kill the Lannisters!

50. I wonder if I should drop another album tomorrow? Give the people what they want, you know?

51. I am craving some Ben & Jerry's.

52. Should I have one of the servants get me a pint, or should I just get it myself?

53. I'll get it myself.

54. Should I take the Millennium Falcon or the Batmobile?

55. Fuck it, I'll take the unicycle.

56. * iPhone 8 rings * "For the LAST time, Kelly, we are NOT getting back together."

57. "And while you're at it, tell what's-her-face I'm STILL pissed she messed up the choreography at the Super Bowl."

58. Ugh, I better get ready for book club.

59. "Jay! I need you to drain the blood from a couple of virgins in the basement, I need to bathe."

60. Hmm, I wonder if I should wear Prada or Versace?

61. Fuck it, I'm Beyoncé. I can wear whatever the hell I want.

62. Sweatpants it is!

63. Ugh, Hillary is late to pick me up. Who does she think she is?

64. If she doesn't come in five minutes, I'm running against her for president in 2016.

65. Oh, here she is.

66. I always love when Bill Gates hosts these things. He just KNOWS how to do a book club.

67. Ew, I am NOT sitting next to Madonna again.

68. Oh, good, there's an empty seat next to Oprah. I'll just sit there.

69. I just wish Anna Wintour would stop talking. NO ONE CARES WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT GONE GIRL, ANNA.

70. Mmmm, this seven-layer dip is SO fucking good. Those cooking lessons with the Barefoot Contessa really paid off.

71. Time to go home. I NEED my beauty sleep.

72. Actually, I better polish my Grammys first.

73. * picks Givenchy dress off the ground, begins wiping down her Grammys. *

74. Ah, just like new! OK, now it is time for bed.

75. Sweet dreams, Jay. Goodnight, Blue.

76. * hums "Crazy in Love" *


78. I fucking LOVE being Beyoncé.

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