“Some work needed.”
stanfair/iStock/Kevin Brine/Shutterstock/Tom Phillips/BuzzFeed
"Early viewing recommended" - it's gone already
"An exciting opportunity has arisen" - in shock news, we have a house available
"Up-and-coming area" - might not be horrible in a decade's time
"Increasingly popular area" - horrible, but lots of people are as desperate as you
"Popular area" - you can't afford to live here
"Sought-after location" - only Russian oligarchs can afford to live here
"Borders on X" - don't tell people you live in X if you ever want them to find your house
"Deceptively spacious" - not spacious
"Cosy" - really not spacious
"Perfectly sized" - humans can barely fit in this
"Bijou" - humans cannot fit in this
"Compact" - cats cannot fit in this
"Charming" - doesn't have stairs
"Quaint" - doesn't have windows
"Rustic" - doesn't have a roof
"Authentic" - is made of mud and straw
"Unique" - does not comform with the laws of physics
sarievanrooyen/iStock/Tom Phillips/BuzzFeed
"Easy access into the city" - it's not in the city
"An extensive range of shopping facilites nearby" - there's a Tesco Metro, a newsagents, and a laundrette you'll never use
"A substantial double fronted detached house" - it is a detached house
"An exceptional period conversion flat" - it is an old flat
"A well presented two double bedroom maisonette" - it's an expensive flat so we're trying to make this sound classy
"Superb lounge" - it has a lounge
"It has a wonderful flowing entertaining space" - I'm basically just talking crap now
"Fully fitted kitchen" - good news, you won't need to provide your own sink
"WC / bathroom" - there's a toliet, but we call it a WC because it makes it sound slightly more upmarket than just us saying the word toilet
"The development is located minutes away from this incredible city attraction" - you will visit the attraction twice, even though you can see it every time you sit on the WC / toilet
"The flat has an open day" - you will have less than an hour to purchase this house, otherwise it will be gone forever and your dreams will lie in ruins
"Well presented" - they hoovered before you arrived
"Superbly presented" - they stuck some daffodils in a jug too
"A building full of character" - it was designed by MC Escher and decorated by a psychopath
"A building with a lot of history" - look at this dent, look at this dent, look at this dent, is that a bloodstain?
"This apartment has heating and carpets fitted" - we're running out of stuff to say about this flat so I am just listing stuff you normally find in a house
"Key deposit" - give us money
"Reservation fee" - give us money
"Administration paperwork fee" - give us £100 to do some photocopying or you're homeless
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